Why Are We So Divided-And What's It Costing Us?

I grew up in a military family. My dad served in the Air Force for twenty years. We celebrated July Fourth with barbeques, watermelons, family, and friends. As a military kid, I traveled all across this country and had the privilege of being exposed to all different types of people and perspectives. I've also come to know the importance of democracy and how fragile it actually is. I also know that maintaining a democracy comes at a great cost, individually and collectively.

Lately, it feels like the very ground our democracy stands on is being shook and shifted. Politicians yell at each other. Co-workers are struggling to connect with each other. Friends have stopped talking to each other. Families avoid certain topics at the dinner table. Even scrolling through social media feels like stepping into a shouting match.

So what's really going on? Why does it feel like we're living in two, or more, different Americas?

We've started treating each other like enemies.

Politics isn’t just about ideas anymore—it’s about good versus evil, us versus them. After recent political violence, leaders on both sides doubled down on this kind of language. When someone with a different perspective is labeled as a “threat” or "evil" instead of a fellow human being, the door to conversation slams shut hard. The funny thing is Jesus told us to love our enemies. Wouldn't that be a courageous stand to take?

We think the "other side" is worse than they really are.

Here’s the wild part: surveys show most of us exaggerate how extreme people across the aisle actually are. We imagine them as caricatures, not people. That makes it nearly impossible to find common ground—because we’re arguing with a version of them that doesn’t even exist. What would it look like for you to drop your pretense and judgments around the "other" and listen generously?

Culture Wars Have Gotten Personal

Debates about race, gender, immigration, or schools aren’t just policy disagreements anymore. They’ve become identity issues. When it feels like who you are is under attack, conversations get heated fast. It’s not just politics—it’s personal. What if we stopped approaching these issues as things to be "debated" and approached them as "conversations" to better understand each other's perspectives?

Families and Friendships Are Feeling the Strain

This one hurts. About one in five family estrangements in the U.S. today are over politics. Even when people don’t cut ties, many walk on eggshells at holidays or avoid topics altogether. Our closest relationships are getting caught in the crossfire.

We’re Losing Trust—in Institutions and Each Other

Fewer people believe the government works. Communities with fewer resources often don’t have the spaces where people can connect across differences. The result? Loneliness, isolation, and a growing sense that no one’s really listening.

Why This Matters

This isn’t just about politics. It’s about us—neighbors, families, and communities. When trust erodes, democracy struggles. When conversations shut down, relationships crumble. And when we stop seeing each other as people, violence creeps closer.

So What Do We Do?

The truth? There’s no quick fix. But I believe small steps matter.

• Could we encounter each other with no pretense or judgment? Could we simply see each other as human beings trying to do the best we can?

• Could we explore each other's perspectives from the position of seeking to understand versus trying to convert people to our way of thinking? Could we ask questions and listen generously?

• Could we engage with each other with the goal of finding common ground and shared experiences? What if we chose to look for a path that brings greater hope, trust, and connection instead of disconnection, division, and mistrust?

• Could we learn to express our solutions in ways that honor all perspectives in the conversation?

This Is Why We Created Courageous and Transformative Conversations

I’ve seen firsthand how hard conversations, handled with care, can shift relationships and even whole communities. That’s exactly why we created Courageous and Transformative Conversations workshops and events—to give people the tools, space, and courage to reconnect in a divided world.

If you’ve felt the weight of disconnection—or if you’re ready to lead conversations that heal instead of harm—I’d love for you to join us. Together, we can move past the shouting matches and into something deeper: trust, hope, and real human connection.