Do you want to be "right" or in relationship?

Greater Grounds
Oct 18
3 min read

Updated: Oct 20

How Shifting From Convincing to Connecting Can Heal Divisions

Have you ever walked away from a “debate” — whether at the dinner table, in a meeting, or online — feeling more divided than when you started? I know I have. There’s this subtle shift that happens… what began as an honest exchange quickly turns into a battle of “who’s right” rather than a space for genuine connection.

Here’s the thing: both conversations and debates involve sharing ideas, but they’re playing two very different games. One builds bridges; the other often builds walls.

Let's dive deeper into this.

Purpose: Understanding vs. Winning

The heartbeat of a conversation is understanding. It’s about listening, learning, and exploring together. Nobody has to “win.” In fact, the real victory is walking away with a deeper appreciation of the person sitting across from you.

A debate, on the other hand, is about proving your point, defending your stance, and (let’s be honest) sometimes trying to come out on top. There’s a clear “side” to take. And while debate has its place — sharpening ideas, clarifying positions — it’s not designed to build relationships.

Posture: Curiosity vs. Defensiveness

In a good conversation, curiosity leads the way. There’s space to ask “Tell me more about that…” or “Why does this matter to you?” without needing to immediately counter or correct.

Debate tends to put people on the defensive. Even if we’re being polite, underneath it all, we’re gearing up to respond rather than to truly hear. And when our defenses go up, our hearts usually shut down.

Flow: Fluid vs. Rigid

Conversation is like a meandering river — it flows, pauses, shifts direction naturally. There’s room for silence, reflection, even laughter. Debate is more like a chess match — structured, strategic, with moves and countermoves.

Neither is inherently “bad,” but only one creates space for deeper human connection.

Truth: Co-discovered vs. Defended

One of the things I love most about meaningful conversations is the way truth often emerges between us. It’s not something one person owns; it’s something we uncover together through the conversation.

In debate, truth is something you think you already possess and must protect. That can make people double down instead of opening up and being willing to explore different perspectives.

Impact: Trust vs. Division

At the end of a heartfelt conversation, trust has usually grown. Even if you don’t agree on everything, you’ve seen each other’s humanity.

At the end of a debate, people often walk away more convinced of their side and less interested in understanding the other. It can leave lingering tension, or worse, relational distance.

So Why Choose Conversation?

If our desire and hope is to create spaces of connection and belonging, conversation is the better path. It softens hearts, opens ears, and invites us into our shared humanity. Debate sharpens edges; conversation builds bridges.

Imagine if, instead of trying to win more arguments, we tried to understand more stories and different perspectives. What if, instead of proving our rightness, we practiced curiosity, and generous listening seeking to grow our connection?

In a world that often defaults to shouting matches (online and off), choosing to have a real conversation is a quiet act of courage — and maybe even a sacred one.

So the next time you find yourself in a heated discussion, pause. Take a breath. Shift your stance from “How can I convince?” to “How can I connect?”

That single move might just change everything.

Beautiful Questions to Consider

Take a few moments to sit with these questions. See if they stir something true in you.

When I'm in a difficult conversation, am I more focused on being right or being in relationship?
Do I truly listen generously to understand, or am I mostly listening for an opening to make my point?
How might my conversations change if my first goal was to connect rather than to convince?